Friday, May 31, 2013

that moment when

Bopping along, having a pretty decent day, until

I started playing a new game yesterday, and I thought, "I have to tell ---- about this, she'd love it!" 

And so I pick up the phone, click it on, and start to dial...

...and hang up when I come to my senses all of a sudden.

I realize I can't call ----. 


We no longer speak.


Thursday, May 30, 2013

moments that change your perspective

You know that moment - the one where you think things are already at their lowest and can't get much worse - and then you find out: in fact, they actually can get worse.

Or maybe they were worse than you thought to begin with.

Let's just say that I am quickly approaching the point at which I am finished with the whole thing. As in, done. For good.

For weeks now, I've been having moments of hope. False hope, as it turns out. Just when I think that things might be getting a little bit better, then something bad happens to remind me that that isn't the case, and may never be the case, and it makes everything just a little bit worse.

Just when I think, "Hey, I wasn't mad today," then I find out I have a reason to be mad.

Just when I think, "That must mean that that person cares," I find out that they really don't.

Just when I think, "We've hit the absolute lowest point we're going to hit," I find out things that I didn't know before.

Murphy's Law, right?

Murphy is a bitch.

Monday, May 27, 2013

should've stayed in Iowa

Very few thoughts sting like the one above... "We should've stayed in Iowa." Because Iowa sucked. I mean, it wasn't all bad, and I took some good memories with me - really good memories made with my girls. And it's probably the most traveling I'll ever do, sadly enough. But none of the things that have happened recently would have happened if I'd stayed there.

I wouldn't know that if people talk to you, then they will talk about you, because I would've never given them that chance.

I wouldn't know how duplicitous the people I loved could be.

I would probably still have relationships that I valued in tact.

Okay, so maybe it's not all true. I'm sure that at some point, I would've realized the first point. That doesn't mean that it doesn't still sting. And the second point, I've known all my life - I just never would have expected it (not in a million years) from the source it came from recently. Some people I guess I've had on a pedestal, and even though I sometimes had issues with the way they handled things, I never dreamed they would say the nasty things they've said about me. And the truth is, it hurts. It hurts to have admired and loved someone so much and then find out what they really think of you.

And I am still hanging on to it. I don't really want to because it's eating me up, but I can't seem to let go of it. I feel like I'm the only one left who even cares about it, because I was so deeply hurt by it. The other person is happy to go on their merry little way, and I haven't even bothered telling them why I am still grudge-holding. Given what they think of me, I doubt it would mean very much to them, right? I composed an email to that person, but I haven't sent it. For nearly five weeks, it's been sitting in my email drafts folder. I open it and stare at it every day. What good does it do? What good would it do? Apparently they consider the situation over, and have moved on (without me), and I can't seem to. I just sit here, stuck (for lack of a better word), wondering, and being a little gobsmacked that they care so little.

And the other individual... well, I really have no clue. I don't even know if there is anything left to salvage at all. This person seems to get off on helping destroy my relationships with others... they spout lies, and everyone believes everything they ever say. Of course, given what the other parties apparently think of me, I shouldn't be surprised... but I am. Surprised, hurt, angry... wow.

The truth is... the truth is that when I don't think about either of them, I'm happy. My family is happy. The situation causes so freaking much stress for everybody. I don't know how many times I've said that I just want the one person to apologize and admit what they did, and they refuse to. So what does that say about the person wanting to fix our "relationship?" It says a lot to me. The other person has apologized, but when they did it, they tried to shake blame off and said they only said what they had because they were upset for someone else.

The thing is.... how am I ever supposed to look at them, or step a foot inside their home, or talk to them ever again, knowing what they really think of me, and what they've thought of me ever since they've known me? I mean, jeez. I thought this person was the kindest, nicest, most inspirational person I'd ever known. I looked up to them. I thought I wanted to be like them. I had started thinking, when I got upset about things, 'what would so-and-so do?' And then to find out what that person said about me... how do you get over something like that? Seriously? I am angry. Angry, mad, ticked off - all of it. Here I thought this person was above reproach, I guess. I mean, I know that the person gets mad and sometimes says things, because we're all human and we all do that. But to say something that hurtful... and to say it to the person they said it to (which only fueled the fire, and continues to do so because they continue to talk about me)...? I mean, I can forgive. I've already forgiven them for saying it. I really wish things could go back to normal. But I can't bring myself to speak to this person, or to be anywhere near them in person. I can't. I just can't. Because I feel like even though I'm not mad about it anymore, I am still extremely hurt. And they don't seem to care whatsoever. They have no clue how I feel about it, or what I think, or the things I want to say to them... because they don't care. And it's been over a month now since it happened. Would it even do any good to send my drafted email, or would it just stir things up again? I don't know.

And this is having a profound effect on my kids. My kids know what was said. This person (and the other person, for that matter) has said things in front of my kids that has hurt them, and hasn't apologized. My kids are starting to not want to be around this person because of the things they've said about me, and because of the things they believe from the other person that are nowhere near being true. But in true form, I'm the one that's been blamed for "hijacking" those relationships. My kids are smart. They have eyes, they have ears. They see who makes the efforts to come and see them and let them know that they still care... and it's not you! I don't have to say a single thing to them. I don't even talk about you at all anymore. They know who gives a crap, because they know who comes to tell them they care.

I don't know why I'm bothering to write this post. I know the people I'm talking about will never see it. Maybe that's why. I don't know, but I'm tired of holding it all in, and in the past writing has been therapeutic for me. Maybe it's the fact that I really, really miss my mom, and I have for a while now, and it hurts to have had 3 people as mother figures and to have lost all of them. It hurts like hell to know that family can turn on you so easily. It hurts like hell to realize that someone you loved can choose sides, and just because you're the one not blood related, you lose. It hurts to find out that someone you adored has always thought so little of you. And it hurts to know that, given the chance, they immediately believe the worst of you, even when they've only heard one side of the story. It hurts to know that I can't even defend myself, because they probably wouldn't believe me, anyway. They want to believe the lies the other person told, and continues to tell. And I'm at a loss. Things are being done now that can never be taken back, not on my side but on theirs, and if they really care, how can they expect that it will just be okay?

And it upsets me for my kids, who feel deserted by both parties. Both parties are irreparably damaging their relationships with my kids, and they don't even care, because hey, they've got each other. But it's okay, because I'm sure I'll be blamed for that, too - just like I've already been blamed for it. (Yeah, that's anger.) My shoulders are big, but they're not that damned big.

You know what the kicker is about all of this? I've only talked to two people about this situation. TWO. And I haven't even given them all of the details, because I am embarrassed. But other people involved go out and spread lies about what's going on, and tell everyone they know, because they want sympathy. Nevermind that it makes things worse, continually gets back to me and bites them in the butt - they don't care. And the other person involved doesn't, either. So why can't I get it through my head??? I think that must be part of the problem. If I hadn't loved them so much, it wouldn't have hurt so much. But obviously they don't care, because they're happy and such.

... wow.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

no help for that

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
the greatest

we will know it

we will know it
more than

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled


we will wait

in that

-excerpt from the Charles Bukowski anthology You Get So Alone At Times That It Just Makes Sense

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Overly dramatic

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I'm only 36, but my memory seems like that of an elderly person. I can remember basic things, like my name and birthday, etc. - but I can't remember anything from my childhood, middle school years, high school years, college, or even more recent years. Sometimes someone will tell me a story or ask me about a specific event and it might jog my memory a little... but I can't even remember last year. Surely that can't be normal, can it?

Friday, May 10, 2013

Weekly song of the day log

So every day, I choose a song of the day. It could be a song that describes my mood, my frame of mind, or even just one that gets stuck in my head. This is me blogging my weekly list to help me keep track of it.

5/3/13 - "Perfect Day," Lou Reed
5/4/13 - "Why Can't I Be You?" - The Cure
5/5/13 - "How," Lisa Loeb
5/6/13 - "Rainy Days and Mondays," The Carpenters
5/7/13 - "Break It Down," Tears for Fears
5/8/13 - "If She Knew What She Wants," The Bangles
5/9/13 - "Extraordinary," Liz Phair