Tuesday, February 10, 2015

the mean reds

The last few days have been good. I'm still in my reading slump, but things are good. The only drawback is the nagging feeling I get when my brain slows down. I get the feeling that I'm scared or nervous about something, and I have no idea what it is, even when I try to think of it. I hate that feeling. It's like in Breakfast at Tiffany's - I get the mean reds.

The only other thing on the horizon that I'm not looking forward to right now is planning my 9 year old's birthday party. She turned 9 a week ago and I have been avoiding thinking about a party because my husband will want to invite some members of his family that I don't speak to, and I know that he will insist on inviting them, and I don't want to. I know that it's not fair to my daughter, but I also feel like it's not like they give a crap about her anyway.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I'm really just so tired of it. I don't know if it's a general teenager thing or if it's just my teenager, but I am so tired of all the attitude I get, 24/7. She's mad at me all the time, even if she has no good reason to be, but she's never mad at my husband the same way. She can be so pissed off at him one minute, and then five minutes later, she'll be laughing and smiling with him. But if it's me, she stays pissed at me for days afterward, no matter how big or small the transgression. I'm always afraid to say anything to her, because of something that happened six months ago, I'm afraid I'll trigger her and be responsible. As a result, I am stressed out around her all the time. I do snap at her more, and for ridiculous things... but my apologies seem to fall on deaf ears, and I'm constantly terrified. What the hell kind of way is that to live? Not to mention that on top of all that, I'm dealing with a ton of other bullshit in my life. Someone who owes me an apology for things said about me is refusing to apologize, and I refuse to allow my children around her until she does. She hasn't tried to talk to me about the familial breach, which is kind of ridiculous to me, because she knows I won't let her spend time around my children until she does. All that leads me to believe is that 1) she doesn't care enough about my kids to bother talking to me, 2) she's got the family around her that she actually gives a damn about and my kids aren't included in that circle, and 3) out of sight, out of mind. And then there's another family member that I used to adore, used to love like my own. Every time I think I'm finally past everything she's said and done, I see her, and it all comes right back. She just acts so fake around us. She acts like she is so happy to see my kids, but in the meantime, she doesn't give a rat's ass about them if they're not in front of her. She doesn't ask about them, doesn't try to see them, etc. This actually is not a huge surprise to me, as she didn't really act like they were family before this all happened... but for her to just act like she is so happy to see them and loves them and misses them when she's in front of them is just fake. I can't take it. I'm the one who has to deal with my kids asking why these people don't try to talk to them any other time, and I hate it.

I am in no way saying that I'm blameless for this situation. I snap at my daughter when I don't mean to. I told a family member that she wasn't allowed around my kids. I actually told two of them that. I also said lots of negative things to both of those people. The thing is, my telling the elder of the two that she couldn't see my kids didn't stop her from coming to a concert that she normally wouldn't have bothered going to, but she can't be bothered to try any other time.

And it also bothers me that I went to her home for Christmas because my kids wanted to go and I actually purchased her and the other family member gifts. I got in return some things she'd had around her house.  I was given a towel/potholder set that she'd purchased years ago for herself and that smelled of mildew because it had been sitting in a drawer. I guess she forgot that she'd shown it to me years ago when she purchased it and a matching tablecloth.  She also gave me a box of storage containers that she'd purchased for herself. I gave her a few thoughtful gifts that contained photos of my children, because I mistakenly thought she might miss seeing them and would want their photographs.  I hope she feels like shit because she gave me crap and I actually put thought into her gifts. I wish I had used that precious amount of my money on someone who actually gave a damn, and who deserved it.  I shouldn't have even bothered getting presents for someone who so obviously doesn't care about me or my kids.

So why am I even bitching about all of this at this point?  Because I still care. Because it stills hurts that two people that I loved so much betrayed me the ways that they did. Because I was the first to break down and text them and bridge the gap first.  I'm tired of giving a crap about people who don't give a crap about me or my kids. My thinking is that when you love someone, you FIGHT for hem. If I love someone, NO ONE is going to tell me that I can't be around them, and I will do what it takes to see them and talk to them. The fact that these people are lying back and taking it and are doing nothing else tells me that they don't care.

So unfollow me and don't read this page if you have issues with it, because guess what? It only gets worse from here on in.