the mean reds

The last few days have been good. I'm still in my reading slump, but things are good. The only drawback is the nagging feeling I get when my brain slows down. I get the feeling that I'm scared or nervous about something, and I have no idea what it is, even when I try to think of it. I hate that feeling. It's like in Breakfast at Tiffany's - I get the mean reds.

The only other thing on the horizon that I'm not looking forward to right now is planning my 9 year old's birthday party. She turned 9 a week ago and I have been avoiding thinking about a party because my husband will want to invite some members of his family that I don't speak to, and I know that he will insist on inviting them, and I don't want to. I know that it's not fair to my daughter, but I also feel like it's not like they give a crap about her anyway.

I'm really just so tired of it. I don't know if it's a general teenager thing or if it's just my teenager, but I am so tired of all the attitude I get, 24/7. She's mad at me all the time, even if she has no good reason to be, but she's never mad at my husband the same way. She can be so pissed off at him one minute, and then five minutes later, she'll be laughing and smiling with him. But if it's me, she stays pissed at me for days afterward, no matter how big or small the transgression. I'm always afraid to say anything to her, because of something that happened six months ago, I'm afraid I'll trigger her and be responsible. As a result, I am stressed out around her all the time. I do snap at her more, and for ridiculous things... but my apologies seem to fall on deaf ears, and I'm constantly terrified. What the hell kind of way is that to live? Not to mention that on top of all that, I'm dealing with a ton of other bullshit in my life. Someone who owes me an apology for things said about me is refusing to apologize, and I refuse to allow my children around her until she does. She hasn't tried to talk to me about the familial breach, which is kind of ridiculous to me, because she knows I won't let her spend time around my children until she does. All that leads me to believe is that 1) she doesn't care enough about my kids to bother talking to me, 2) she's got the family around her that she actually gives a damn about and my kids aren't included in that circle, and 3) out of sight, out of mind. And then there's another family member that I used to adore, used to love like my own. Every time I think I'm finally past everything she's said and done, I see her, and it all comes right back. She just acts so fake around us. She acts like she is so happy to see my kids, but in the meantime, she doesn't give a rat's ass about them if they're not in front of her. She doesn't ask about them, doesn't try to see them, etc. This actually is not a huge surprise to me, as she didn't really act like they were family before this all happened... but for her to just act like she is so happy to see them and loves them and misses them when she's in front of them is just fake. I can't take it. I'm the one who has to deal with my kids asking why these people don't try to talk to them any other time, and I hate it.

I am in no way saying that I'm blameless for this situation. I snap at my daughter when I don't mean to. I told a family member that she wasn't allowed around my kids. I actually told two of them that. I also said lots of negative things to both of those people. The thing is, my telling the elder of the two that she couldn't see my kids didn't stop her from coming to a concert that she normally wouldn't have bothered going to, but she can't be bothered to try any other time.

And it also bothers me that I went to her home for Christmas because my kids wanted to go and I actually purchased her and the other family member gifts. I got in return some things she'd had around her house.  I was given a towel/potholder set that she'd purchased years ago for herself and that smelled of mildew because it had been sitting in a drawer. I guess she forgot that she'd shown it to me years ago when she purchased it and a matching tablecloth.  She also gave me a box of storage containers that she'd purchased for herself. I gave her a few thoughtful gifts that contained photos of my children, because I mistakenly thought she might miss seeing them and would want their photographs.  I hope she feels like shit because she gave me crap and I actually put thought into her gifts. I wish I had used that precious amount of my money on someone who actually gave a damn, and who deserved it.  I shouldn't have even bothered getting presents for someone who so obviously doesn't care about me or my kids.

So why am I even bitching about all of this at this point?  Because I still care. Because it stills hurts that two people that I loved so much betrayed me the ways that they did. Because I was the first to break down and text them and bridge the gap first.  I'm tired of giving a crap about people who don't give a crap about me or my kids. My thinking is that when you love someone, you FIGHT for hem. If I love someone, NO ONE is going to tell me that I can't be around them, and I will do what it takes to see them and talk to them. The fact that these people are lying back and taking it and are doing nothing else tells me that they don't care.

So unfollow me and don't read this page if you have issues with it, because guess what? It only gets worse from here on in.

Girl, Interrupted

I haven't blogged in a while - not because I haven't wanted to, but real life, more often than not, got in the way. I've had tons of negative things going on in my life, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to lay all the details out there for everyone to read. I am quite easily embarrassed of things that other people brag about in order to get sympathy. I'd like to have sympathy too, but it's not worth it to me to trumpet my problems to everyone in order to get it.

Most noteworthy, since January 1st I have been reading like crazy. I'm sure you'll notice on the left hand side of the screen is my Goodreads blurb - it should have my "currently reading" book(s) in it. I've read 18 books since January 1st. Yes, I am actually reading them, and no, I am not skimming or cheating in any way.

This afternoon I finished Susanna Kaysen's Girl, Interrupted. It's a short book, and a quick (but intense) read. It left me feeling out of sorts. I can identify with her so much, and when looking up borderline personality disorder (which is what they diagnosed her with), I felt as though I was looking into a mirror. Maybe I should see a therapist (maybe?). Maybe we all feel a little crazy sometimes. I don't know, but when I finished reading the book, I sat and stared out of my window for a while and reflected on the book. I don't often do that - usually when I finish a book, I finish and move on to the next one. This one, I have a feeling, is going to stay with me for a while.

What are you reading right now?

Song of the day, 3/10/14

Song of the day: Coffee Girl by the Tragically Hip

Song of the day

Song of the day: Team by Lorde

Cookie conundrum?

People who approach little girls at scout cookie booths and go off about political issues are assholes. If you don't agree with the organization and think they support things you don't agree with, just don't buy the damned cookies. It isn't rocket science, folks.

Song of the day

Song of the day: In the Meantime - Spacehog

Sometimes

Sometimes you just get tired of "being strong" and just putting up with it. For me, that's all the time. I'm so tired.

Pumpkins

Do what you gotta do

And say what you gotta say

Do what you gotta do

Yeah,

Start today

- "window paine," smashing pumpkins

Why can't i

Why can't I just turn the anger off? 

Weird

I struggle every day with feelings of inadequacy. I am overweight, I have bad teeth, and I have the warm, fuzzy personality of a porcupine with PMS. I don't like most people. I hate liars. I hate people who lie about me. 

So since you have that bit of sunshine in your life, tell me about yourself.

Wrong again

So I went to church and got the fabulous conviction that I was being too hard hearted, and that things would get better between me and some individuals that I am currently angry with. I went home with the warm fuzzy feeling that I was going to be the bigger person and make things better.

Then those people got in front of me and acted the same way they have been acting for the last 9 months, and my good intentions went out the window.

Obsession

I am now watching Star Trek: Into Darkness just for Benedict Cumberbatch. I may have a problem...

Ugh

Did you ever notice how, when you truly dislike someone, everything they do makes you angry?  

Post Christmas blues

I'm just sad. The holidays are over, and with them went my kind feelings towards people who've done or said bad things to or about me. Now I'm left with the bad feelings I set aside for the sake of Christmas, and things are worse because said people still don't seem to give a crap that I'm still upset over everything. I guess it's life as usual. 

let it snow

Thanks, Google, for adding the snow to my photo. It actually makes it look kind of magical, which is exactly what I needed today.

book review: How to Love by Katie Cotugno

Before: Reena Montero has loved Sawyer LeGrande for as long as she can remember: as natural as breathing, as endless as time. But he’s never seemed to notice that Reena even exists…until one day, impossibly, he does. Reena and Sawyer fall in messy, complicated love. But then Sawyer disappears from their humid Florida town without a word, leaving a devastated—and pregnant—Reena behind.

After: Almost three years have passed, and there’s a new love in Reena’s life: her daughter, Hannah. Reena’s gotten used to being without Sawyer, and she’s finally getting the hang of this strange, unexpected life. But just as swiftly and suddenly as he disappeared, Sawyer turns up again. Reena doesn’t want anything to do with him, though she’d be lying if she said Sawyer’s being back wasn’t stirring something in her. After everything that’s happened, can Reena really let herself love Sawyer LeGrande again?

In this breathtaking debut, Katie Cotugno weaves together the story of one couple falling in love—twice.

__WARNING: Spoilers below__

Wow.

All I can say after finishing this book is wow. 

I wasn't sure what to expect, other than that everyone else who'd read it seemed to really love it, and now that I've finished it, I can see why. The book is told totally from Reena's (short for Serena) perspective, but it alternates from "Before," when she was in high school, before Sawyer leaves, and "After," which is after Sawyer returns. 

As first person viewpoints go, Reena is a delight to read. Witty, sarcastic, insecure, and guarded, she reminds me a little of how I used to be at sixteen. The "Before," Reena has been best friends with Allie forever, and you get such a peek into how their relationship works that it feels like you're losing your own best friend as they drift apart. And of course, at the middle of it all is a boy - Sawyer. Allie is dating him, even though Reena has been in love with him for a really long time (not that she'd admit it). 

Allie  dies rather suddenly, and it feels like Sawyer and Reena are kind of thrown together in the aftermath of Allie's passing. As a mother of three girls, I wanted to strangle Sawyer for treating Allie the way he did throughout their "Before" relationship, and I wanted to smack some sense into Allie. She's a very smart girl who makes all A's and even makes it into Northwestern, but her decisions prove that even smart girls can continually screw up and make bad decisions. 

When the "after" started, I wanted to kick Reena. It was totally predictable that she was going to break things off with her boyfriend Aaron, but I still hated her a little bit when the moment happened. Sawyer left her alone for years with no word and not a care in the world as to what had happened to her, and while I know he was struggling with his own drug issues and his demons, I thought that she let him off the hook way too easily. A little bit of (well-deserved) snark aimed in his direction was just not enough.

Of course there were tons of things I didn't like - Sawyer was the main thing. I didn't like him at all, even in the "After" when he was trying to repair things with Reena and become a father to Hannah. Apparently I am as unforgiving as everyone in the story thought Reena should have been. I didn't like that a smart girl like Reena, who could clearly see what was happening with her boyfriend, went against the family she loved and her better judgement, skipped school, etc. and basically screwed up her whole future just to be with some boy that she fancied herself in love with (because we're never told why she loved Sawyer for so long, other than that he was physically attractive. It couldn't be because of his sparkling, effervescent personality). I did like that she seemed to be a good mother when she was with Hannah, but at the same time, she felt really disconnected from her, too. It almost felt like she was more of an aunt, until we read her thoughts while she's pregnant. It's not until then that you feel the love she really has for her baby.

The things I did like: Reena's tough "keep-it-all-inside" personality, a stepmother who isn't a "stepmonster," and Shelby. Most of all, I liked Shelby. There wasn't enough of her in this book, and she's the reason for every laugh I actually had out loud. Every girl should have a friend like Shelby - fiercely loyal and someone who loves you unconditionally.

Overall, I kind of adored this book. It was well written and an easy read, even though I found myself having to stop a few times to wipe the tears away (what can I say? I'm a sap). I would recommend this book to anyone who likes teen romances with a healthy dollop of angst thrown in - and anyone who enjoys the works of Sarah Dessen and Colleen Hoover. This was a great debut from Ms. Cotugno, and it's enough that I know I will definitely pick up her next novel as well.

Musings and revelations

I guess it never really hit me before that the reason I take so many pictures of my children is that I don't have many of myself growing up (they exist, I just don't have them), and I can't really remember much of my childhood, so this is my way of remembering it for my children.

Seriously, huge chunks of my memory are just... not there. There's got to be a reason... not sure what it might be.

Double standards suck.

You know what I love?

People who get mad or upset with me over something, treat me like total crap for a few days while they stew about it, and then confront me in the most passive-aggressive way possible. Then they go back to treating me like everything's okay because they got to say whatever the hell they wanted to say to me... meanwhile, if I ever said a negative thing to them, they'd flip their lid.

maybe it really is true

maybe it really is true, and I can't win no matter what I do.

I'm more than just a little tired of everyone always blaming me for things that go wrong. Maybe this is my sign that I need to just stop. I make a little effort, and it doesn't matter. I make a lot of effort, and it doesn't matter.

If everyone is going to think the worst of me no matter what i do, why bother at all?